he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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