My liver just broke up with me...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
