I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
