My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
