she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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