I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
