Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
