I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
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Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
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Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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