Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
