I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
