Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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