i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
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