Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
