If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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