my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
