God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
