She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
