Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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