just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
