Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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