You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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