I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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