Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
