I met the friendliest cop last night
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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