Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
