P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
