i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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