I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She needs sedatives and a leash
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I did not marry a roomba.
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