peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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