My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
