who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
