Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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