You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We are all done wearing pants today
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
