Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
