the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
