For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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