To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
