dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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