Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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