Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
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There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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