Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
