I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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