It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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