I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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