So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
