[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
