mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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