so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
