Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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