My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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