shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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