I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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