I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
