I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
