College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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