The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
