She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
